hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
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When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.