@ch000ch

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

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@KeetPotato

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

@Alvildalikely

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

@AristotlesNZ

Wife: Who let the boys out?
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: Who let the boys out?!
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET!
Me: I’m going..

@OctopusCaveman

I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apeshit when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

@SpeakComedy

Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive 😉

@krispythehuman

A cooked human contains around 81500 calories, enough to feed me for 2 months.

Anyways hi, I’m Krispy & this is my first time speed dating.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

@FrogAvalanche

[Jesus plays hide-n-seek]

Jesus: [exiting cave] Ah, ya found me! Let’s play again. Harder this time. Find me now.

[He ascends to Heaven]

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

@TT_Sunshine_

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead