hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
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Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.