blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
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Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.
“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”
What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?
1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.
I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.
*looks at you in batman voice*