Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
But is it really??
I hope this email finds you in a well
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life