Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds