“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
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Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
did it work
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?