“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
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[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
My dog ate my work from home.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Mike is short for Micycle
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Cause of death: Zumba
