Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
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i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
You have been warned.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.