Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
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Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.