hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
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[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
About to throw up
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”