Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

[canadians at you, canadianly]

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?