Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.