*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget