*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
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[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩