Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”