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(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort