Hello Twits.
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home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon