“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
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You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I wish I could veto my bills.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If I ignore life will it go away?