“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
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*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter