“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
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This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.