“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
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All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!