Hi we’re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can’t ever find our dog.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
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I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator:
“18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused.”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.