@ArfMeasures

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

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@ScottLinnen

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

@baronvonbike

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

@Schmoodles

There’s a party in my pants, with an all you can eat buffet, and a VIP entrance in the rear.

@JohnLyonTweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

@INDlAN_

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

@AshToTheFuture

Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.

@thepaulasuzanne

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

@GrantTanaka

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what