So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
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If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
There’s a party in my pants, with an all you can eat buffet, and a VIP entrance in the rear.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
The road to hell is paved.
Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what