I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
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No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!