@ArfMeasures

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

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@j0hnonline

Hi we’re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can’t ever find our dog.

@MetteAngerhofer

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

@kerihw

Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.

@chloethesiren

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

@ch000ch

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

@meganamram

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

@Disfordilaudid

Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator:

“18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused.”

@copymama

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

@beefman138

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.