“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
always be there
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Your soulmate is too smart to date you