“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Weirdos gonna weird.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
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Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.