Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
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The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Rare photo of two submarines racing
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.