Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
You Might Also Like
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE