Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

A great first step 😂

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.