Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

tfw you realize …

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn