hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
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[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Tell me you get it…🤣
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.