hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
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When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Still cracks me up
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Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start