Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.