Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
me watching my own Instagram story
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I was up all night reading about insomnia
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
They got Raph!
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle