Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
🙂🙃🥹
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp