Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”