Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

A fake ID that makes you younger

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection