GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
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Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Reasons Why us girls cry:
Who the hell knows!!: 90%
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”
Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”
Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”
Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”
Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”
ME: will it hurt?
DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?
ME: omg no!
DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.