“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
You Might Also Like
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
No, YOUR illiterate.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
My beach vacation Google searches
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.