Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

well this is just bullshirt

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Feels

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.