hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Couple goals
