Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Things will get butter, keep churning

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”