“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
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My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I stand by it
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
All is fair in drunk and war.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
#SCOTUS one-star review
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.