“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
You Might Also Like
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Holy shit he’s back
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Don’t frighten the programmers!
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Guantanamo Bae
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
May have had one breakfast too many
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.