Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this

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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.


*wakes up early*

*goes for morning jog*

*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*


me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too


6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.


My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.


You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.


Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..


Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.


People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?