Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this

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the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming


[dinner party]
mario: what’s in this risotto?
me: mushroom, you’re not allergic?
mario: *grows to like 20 feet*


Give a man a cat and he eats for a day. Give him too many cats, and people will be like, “Are you giving cats to that guy who eats cats?!?”


There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god


So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?


A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller


*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”


They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer


Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don’t owe on any student loans.