Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
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No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
*power walks to the refrigerator*
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces