Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this

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Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?


Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”


I’m not really a ‘walk of shame’ kind of girl. Im more of a ‘put it back in my nightstand drawer when I’m finished & roll over’ kind of girl


No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark


I’d pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.


I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.


When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.


I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.


Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??


(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?