Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

accurate

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face