Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

Sing it!

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

I hope your spoon slides into your soup