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People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.