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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
Previously On Persistence 😎
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess