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ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.