HELP 😭
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My blood type is b hungry.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go