HELP 😭
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ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.