[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
You Might Also Like
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana