Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

ㅤㅤ

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.