Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*