Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

Got ya covered

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

I’d use my best pan on you.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992