Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK