Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

🎉🥳

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”