Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Moms. The original autocorrect.