Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
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I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed