Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

2023 was just a warmup

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now