Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Why is everyone getting married at me

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of