HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
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You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is