Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

I falcon love using swear birds

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.