“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
same energy
That 👊
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood