Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
BRAKING NEWS!!
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”