Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Another day, another…goddammit
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Safety first
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
favorite tropes as memes
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description