Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON