Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila