help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
*has no idea what a book even is*
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Good morning
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
can you read it!!??
maan!
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
