help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
You Might Also Like
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.