help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this