help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”